The Journal In The Drawer
by alyssa-gibson
Summary: Tumblr Prompt : Beca and Chloe are dating, but Chloe gets mad that Beca won't open up and so she breaks up with her. And Beca kinda goes crazy and wants to cut but Chloe finds out and tries to stop her and stuff.


**_I got a prompt on Tumblr so here you go ..._**

**_Prompt: "Beca and Chloe are dating, but Chloe gets mad that Beca won't open up and so she breaks up with her. And Beca kinda goes crazy and wants to cut but Chloe finds out and tries to stop her and stuff."_**

* * *

Chloe stood outside Beca's dorm, shifting her weight side to side. She didn't want to knock on the door, face what she knew she had to. She lifted her arm, ready to knock, and then put it back down, shaking her head. Chloe sighed, running a hand through her hair. She thought back to the activities fair and Bellas practices, but then all of the last couple months came back into her head.

"Come on Chlo," she whispered to herself.

She knocked on the door of Beca's dorm twice. She waited a moment or two before it was opened by the brunette.

"Hey Chloe," she smiled, kissing her softly before moving to the side to let her in.

"Beca… I need to talk to you," the redhead said, pacing back and forth inside Beca's dorm.

"What's wrong?" she asked, concern in her voice.

"I…" Chloe stopped pacing and looked Beca in the eyes. "I'm breaking up with you."

The concern in Beca's face turned into a mixture of confusion and sadness.

"What?" she asked, her voice shaky.

"I'm sorry… I just can't, I can't keep trying to get you to open up and have you refuse," the redhead replied softly.

Beca was silent. She didn't know how to respond.

"I can't keep trying to cross an ocean for someone who won't step in a puddle for me," Chloe said, tears welling up in her eyes.

"Chlo, I'm trying…" Beca started. "It's hard–"

"I know babe, but… it's just not good enough," Chloe said as a tear snaked down her cheek.

Beca's eyes began to tear. She tried to blink away the tears but it wasn't working.

"I'm sorry," Chloe whispered, leaving Beca alone in her dorm.

The door shut and it felt like there was a bulge in her throat. Chloe was the best thing that happened to her. She shut everyone out after her parents divorced and her dad forced her to go to college when she just wanted to move across the country. She sat thinking about the activities fair and Chloe jumping in her shower and the redhead asking her out and their first kiss.

"Dammit Mitchell, you always have to fuck shit up," she said to herself, lying back on her bed.

More tears fell from her face. She lost the most important thing to her. Beca wiped her tears from her face, though it didn't help because she was still crying, and got up to get her ear buds. She put them in her ears and just pressed play. Laying in her bed, she stared at the ceiling, trying to figure out what to do with herself.

The next day Chloe sat in the library with a book open on the table in front of her. She felt empty not being with Beca anymore, but she knew she needed to do it. If Beca wasn't going to open up, trust her, then was it really worth putting so much effort into their relationship. Though she was confused why she hadn't seen her the whole day, it wasn't like they didn't have two classes together or anything. Chloe sighed and closed the book. Her mind was too occupied to even focus on the book anyway. She got up and left the library, walking back to her dorm.

Beca sat on the floor of her dorm. It was dark, she hadn't bothered to turn the light on and Kimmy-Jin left for class at about 8am and still hadn't returned. Beca sat cross-legged, twirling a blade between her fingers. She put it to the skin on her forearm, but then pulled it away at the feel of the cold metal against her arm.

She had been clean for 5 years, 6 months, and 27 days. She promised herself she wouldn't do it again, but losing Chloe made it hard to remember that. Beca jumped when the door opened and Kimmy-Jin walked inside. She quickly put the blade under her thigh as her roommate turned on the light.

"What are you doing?" she asked, a slightly disgusted look on her face.

"Nothing," Beca replied.

"Why were you in the dark?"

"Does it matter?" Beca asked getting frustrated.

"No…" Kimmy-Jin put her books down on the desk and changed her clothes.

Beca still sat on the floor, thinking about what she was about to do. She picked up the blade from under her leg and got off the floor, changing into a t-shirt and sweatpants to go to sleep. It was only 9 o'clock but she was exhausted from thinking all day. Beca crawled into her bed and pulled the cover over her head, squeezing her eyes shut.

Kimmy-Jin raised an eyebrow at the brunette. She didn't really like her but if something was wrong she would feel horrible if she didn't do anything. She got off her bed and looked in the drawer of Beca's desk. She found two small leather journals and quietly took them out of the drawer. She opened the first one and saw it was just filled with pages and pages of tally marks. She had no clue what it meant so she put it back, looking in the other one.

The top of the first page was dated October 1st. It was some kind of journal written in Beca's handwriting.

_10.1.12_

_Dad got me this journal for my birthday about two years ago, but I never had a reason to write anything in it until now. I was forced to go to college. I really didn't want to come here to Barden, but after a month here it seems okay… I guess._

_I was taking a shower this morning when one of the first people I officially met crept in on me. Chloe Beale. She's pretty weird, but I don't know, I kind of like it. Usually I would dodge someone like her but the look in her eyes when she looks at me is just… I can't describe it._

_She keeps telling me to join some a capella group with her and her blondie best friend. The singing part sounds alright, but the whole "doing everything with their mouths" thing is a turn off to me. I think I'm going to audition anyway. I think the only reason I want to go is to see her. Her piercing blue eyes, her ginger hair, her great smile. I don't know what it is about this one, but I like her so far._

Kimmy-Jin kept flipping through the book, reading some of the journal entries. Most of them were about Chloe. She looked at Beca under her blanket and sighed, placing the book back into the drawer and turning the light in the room off. She had to talk to Chloe; she would know what to do.

The girl got up and walked out of the room, leaving Baker Hall and going to the campus where Chloe stayed. The only reason she knew where her dorm was was because Beca had a sticky note on the wall for the longest time. As she walked outside, across the grass, she shivered. It was pretty cold still for March.

She got to the building and walked inside to the second floor, knocking on the door. Chloe opened the door and confusion jumped on her face.

"What are you doing here?"

"Something is wrong with Beca," she replied bluntly. "What's going on?"

"I don't know. We broke up…" Chloe trailed off.

"What? Why?" she asked, surprised from how much Beca seemed to love her.

Chloe sighed, "She wouldn't open up to me. I was getting tired of her not letting me in. But what do you mean something is wrong with her?"

"When I walked in our dorm she was sitting on the floor in the dark and when I asked what she was doing she got all defensive."

Concern crossed the redhead's face but she shook her head, "Uhm, thanks Kimmy-Jin."

"Just if you can fix her, please do so," she said, walking away.

Chloe stood in the doorway and watched the girl walk down the hall. She stopped towards the end and turned around.

"Chloe, Beca really loves you…" she said. "I kinda read her journal and all she did was talk about how perfect you were."

Chloe didn't know whether to be angry that she read her journal–that she didn't even know about–or flattered that Beca thought she was perfect. She just nodded, resulting in Kimmy-Jin walking away.

She returned inside her dorm and grabbed her phone. She sent a text to Beca with a small sigh.

_Can we talk?_

She waited but never got a reply. Chloe eventually got too tired and was done waiting for a response. She got into bed and slowly closed her eyes.

Beca sat on the floor again, the blade in the same hand as the day before. This time she has tears running down her cheeks. She was 5 years, 6 months, and 28 days clean by an accident. She would've cut if it wasn't for Kimmy-Jin walking in. But now, now she couldn't take it anymore.

The brunette put the blade to her skin and this time she put force on it. She dragged it across her forearm, warm blood seeping from the wound. It spilled over her wrist and onto the palm on her hand. She switched the blade to her right hand and put the blade to her uncut wrist.

Chloe walked into Baker Hall and up to Beca's dorm. She knocked on the door but there was no answer. She waited a few moments and was about to walk away when she heard the faint sound of a cry inside.

"Beca?" she called out.

She checked the door and it was surprisingly unlocked. Chloe opened the door and saw Beca sitting on the floor, tears streaming down her face and blood seeping from her wrists.

"Oh my god! Beca, what are you doing?" Chloe yelled, taking out her phone and dialing 911.

"I'm sorry Chloe," Beca said, tears in her eyes.

"Sweetie, why?" Chloe asked in a panicky tone, ripping a piece of Beca's bedsheet to wrap around her wrists.

"You're all I ever wanted and I fucked it up with us... I'm sorry," she apologized again.

"Tell me more, tell me what you feel," Chloe said to keep Beca talking and alive and to know what she really felt.

"I think you're really perfect Chloe. You sing like an angel, you are the nicest person I've ever met, you're kind and beautiful and just plain amazing. I love you Chloe. I love you a lot."

Chloe had tears falling down her cheeks, "Beca, that's all I ever wanted from you. I wanted you to open up..."

Beca's eyes started to slowly shut. "No Beca, stay awake." Chloe tried to stay calm but there was a lot of blood spilling from her arms.

"Hey, want to know what I love about you?" Chloe smiled.

Beca nodded slowly.

"I love your personality the most. You are funny, sarcastic, stubborn, insane, and very determined , but all in the best way. And then there's your face of course." Beca laughed slightly, as much as she could as weak as she was.

Chloe heard a man's voice from outside, "Get out of the way!" he demanded. Chloe turned surprised to see a crowd of people at the door. A man in an EMT uniform pushed through the crowd of people to Beca and Chloe.

"What happened?" he asked.

"My girlfriend cut her wrists, you've got to help her," Chloe pleaded.

"We have to get her to the hospital, the ambulance is downstairs," he said scooping Beca up into her arms.

"I need to get her dad," Chloe said, taking Beca's phone out of her pants pocket. She found her dad in her contacts and pressed call.

"Hello?" he sounded panicked.

"Dr. Mitchell, it's Chloe."

"Chloe, where is Beca? What happened. I keep hearing things going around."

"She slit her wrists, they're taking her to the ambulance now," she said following the man with Beca in his arms.

"I just got to Baker Hall, I'll see you when you get out here."

Chloe hung up and followed the EMT out of the building. Beca's dad stood next to the ambulance. Beca was placed on the gurney and Beca's dad took her hand.

"Hey Becs," he said with a forced smile. "Chloe, go with her in the ambulance please. I'll meet you at the hospital."

Chloe nodded and got inside with Beca. She held Beca's hand on the drive to the hospital. Although it was only a few minutes away, it felt like they were in the vehicle for hours. When they got inside Beca was taken by the doctors and Chloe stood with Beca's father.

It was quiet for a long time before he spoke. "What happened?"

"I don't know..." Chloe whispered. "I broke up with her the other day."

"What, why? I thought you guys really liked each other," he said shocked.

"I did, I do," she corrected. "She just, she wouldn't open up to me."

"Kid, I've never seen Beca so happy. She would've come around to it. I blame myself for that part of her though, pushing everyone away."

Beca had shared that her parents went through a bad divorce when she was younger but she didn't say much, and Chloe didn't think it was the right time to ask. A woman with red hair, a little lighter than Chloe's, came up to the two.

"I'm Doctor Jocelynn Pierce, you two are here for Beca Mitchell correct?" she asked, resulting in a nod from Beca's dad.

"Chloe, you did a good job stopping the bleeding. That is what I was most worried about." She sounded impressed.

"Well, I have some experience trying on that kind of thing..." Chloe replied.

"What?" Dr. Mitchell asked, immediately regretting he asked after he did.

"My sister... She committed suicide when she was 14, it was her third try. If I had only been home..." she trailed off.

"I'm sorry," Beca's dad said, placing a hand on the girl's shoulder.

"It's fine, is Beca okay?" she asked looking up to the doctor.

"Yes," she stated. "She cut pretty deep so she'll have stitches and she'll have to wear some gauze on her forearms."

"That's good," Chloe sighed with a nervous laugh.

"I'll bring her out when they're done wrapping her wrists."

Chloe nodded and watched the doctor walk away.

"So uhm... What's going on with you and Beca if you don't mind me asking," Beca's dad said.

"I love her. I think this night will change her 'sharing her feelings' problem, so we'll see..." Chloe said with a small sigh.

The doctor came out, rolling Beca in a wheelchair. Her makeup ran down her face. The black under her eyes made her look even more pale than she already was. Her eyes were heavy, but she kept them open.

"Hey Bec," her dad smiled.

The brunette produced a small sound that slightly sounded like a hi, but it was so low they couldn't tell. She made a texting motion with her hands and Chloe realized what she wanted. She pulled Beca's phone out of her pocket, handing it to her. Beca typed something and turned the phone to Chloe.

The phone read: _Can I stay with you tonight?_

Chloe nodded, "Yeah, of course you can."

"You okay kiddo?" her dad asked, making Beca nod. "I'll take you guys back to Barden, alright?"

"Thank you," Chloe said with what looked almost a smile.

Chloe got in the backseat of Beca's dad's car with the brunette, taking her hand in her own. The ride back to Barden was quiet, though Chloe didn't let her grip on Beca's hand loosen. The car stopped in the Baker Hall parking lot and Dr. Mitchell turned around to face the girls in the backseat.

"If you need anything, anything at all, call me," he said.

Beca nodded and Chloe replied, "We will, thank you again."

"No problem."

Chloe walked up to Beca's dorm, hand in hand with the brunette. Chloe opened the door and was surprised to see the blood all cleaned up from the floor. Who had cleaned it? she thought. Kimmy-Jin wasn't in the room so it was just the two of them. She sat on the bed next to Beca.

"I'm sorry," Beca croaked, tears forming in her eyes.

"Don't cry, please," Chloe pleaded. "You don't have to be sorry."

"Can you get something for me?"

"Sure, what is it?"

"There is a leather journal in the drawer of my desk there," she pointed. Her voice sounded really strained.

Chloe got up from the bed and looked in the drawer. She grabbed the one on top, "This one?"

"What's in it?"

"Uhm... tally marks?"

"No, that's not what I wanted but you could bring that one too."

Chloe grabbed the other journal and brought them to Beca on the bed. Beca opened the one with the tally marks and ripped out all the pages with writing on them.

"What was that?" Chloe asked, shocked she had just ripped all those pages out.

"It was a count of how many days clean I was..."

"Oh... Well what's the other one?"

"See for yourself," she replied, handing Chloe the journal.

Chloe opened up to the first page and started reading. She kept flipping the pages, reading until the writing stopped.

"Beca," she said, a tear falling down her cheek. "Why couldn't you just _say_ this to me, out loud?"

"I don't know, I'm not used to it."

"Please Beca, make me one promise. Promise me that you will say these things out loud to me, forget the journal, let me be your journal. You can't just keep everything to yourself. Please promise me you will tell me what you feel," Chloe begged.

Beca nodded, "I promise. I love you Chloe."

The redhead smiled, 'I love you' from Beca was the most rare thing in the world. "I love you too sweetie."


End file.
